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We played and told stories at night, there wasn't much free time during the day. The advent of cold weather required the collection and preparation of firewood—Bobby's principal task, now that the garden harvest was in. Ann had done most of the preserving of food and most of it was stored in the root cellar. Sue was busy hunting as much meat as she could find, to have a backup in case the weather got too harsh for her to go out. Obviously, my best contribution was a strong back! I mostly helped Bobby with gathering firewood, but there were a few other tasks I could do.One of the first things I did was measure the children's feet for shoes. I went into Goshen and found a boot maker who happened to have a selection of children's shoes. I was able to find a pair for each of the children, but I knew that they would be growing fast enough that these would soon be outgrown. I had seen what would happen when children wore shoes too small, so I was greatly concerned. At least, in the Summer,. If he felt a tinge of loss at all, he never showed it. I cried in a way I hadn’t since then, big, heaving sobs which shook my body. I kept quiet though, afraid Nate would hear me. This was my own private grief, and it wasn’t one I was ready to share, even with him. A cold, wet nose settled against my hand where it lay wrapped around my waist. I looked up through my tears to find Esther’s brown eyes watching me in the firelight. She rested her soft head against my arm in silent companionship. I wrapped my arms around her warm, solid body. ‘Were you ever a mother?’ I cried into her silken fur. ‘Did you ever have sweet little golden puppies? Or did they take that choice away from you?’ Esther breathed a sigh of understanding and rested her chin on my shoulder. ‘I never really had the choice,’ I explained to her. ‘I want to be a mother so badly and I don’t know if I ever will, if I even can. It hurts so much to think I’ll never have that. I’ll play the loving aunt and all the while it’ll.
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